This week’s post is not directly related to my mood disorder but it’s something that I want to write about because it’s always on my mind and also something that most people can relate to.
I have recently ended an eight year relationship and I’m struggling a lot with my emotions and thoughts. I do not do well with intense feelings. I usually avoid unwanted emotions by distracting and using substances to alter my state.
I am determined to face this challenge in a healthier way. I am going to embrace all the pain and the unwanted thoughts. I am obsessed with learning about how to manage this discomfort. I have been constantly reading and watching videos about how to survive this.
The biggest lesson I’ve learned is that I can change my perspective from looking at this situation as “bad”, or horrible, devastating, etc. into seeing it as a learning experience, an opportunity for growth, a turning point of my life where I am able to make improvements.
I am trying to feel the pain and go through it instead of suppressing it. I let myself cry. I let myself sit and grieve and practice acceptance. It feels very unnatural to let go of hope. I’m an extremely romantic person, by that I mean I have an idealized view of reality. I hang on in hopes things will be different far past what is realistic.
I am trying to take responsibility for my part in the dysfunction of the relationship. I want to look at my weaknesses so I can work on them. I give myself credit for how much I have grown because I have grown a lot throughout the relationship.
I feel lucky that my ex partner is a wonderful person and we have no hostility toward one another but in the same respect it makes it that much harder to walk away from him.
I don’t know how long this process of letting go will take. I really don’t know what to expect. I have never felt this way before. I am taking life day by day and focussing on my goals and my children.
So for a while my heart will be broken but I am confident in time I will feel stronger and happier and possibly healthier than I was during the relationship.